Who Can Go Suck It – Customers

For some of you, this will be a new WCGSI. For others, you already know what’s up. This was a long running series on BTW Actually for a while that sadly has been wiped from the Internet as far as I know. All the same, I’ve decided to open up the Webonomicon and zombify it, making it that much more awesome. I present to you the all new WHO CAN GO SUCK IT!

So today I want to talk about something I’m truly passionate about: hating on customers. As a preface, it should be noted I hate almost everyone. There are very few people that escape my rage, though most don’t know it because I’m relatively passive most of the time. But let’s start like this. Customers. How many of you already know I constantly flip you off when I’m on a call?

How many of you know I put you on mute to call you things like “festering cunt,” “suck a fuck,” and “dicks in the ear?” If you already know this then I’m not exactly illuminating any new facts for you. What always bothers me is how the customer thinks they can call and call and call a company and get new and better information each time. Sometimes they’re right, but usually only if they got complete fucking morons the previous times.

Which leads me to my experience with my current company. Without outright saying who I work for, I will say I’ve worked for them for over a year as a customer service rep. I’ve had every number of racist, pervy, nasty, bargain hunting, threat making, or otherwise petty sort of jackass you can imagine. I’m also trained in every sort of available training and advanced training my company has to offer, even opting to be a repeat specialist at one point.

What does that mean? Well it means I have solid first call resolution, very high customer satisfaction ratings, and I’m not a complete fuckstick. Effectively I worked a queue where a customer would call in multiple times because A) their issue wasn’t resolved by the previous customer service dumbass(es), B) they think if they keep calling back we’ll give in on something policy related, or C) they’re a lonely, sad individual that think we’re the Lucy 5 cents psychiatric help automated line.

And trust me, I got a LOT of back to back calls like that. You’d get everything from “this is my 7th call today” to “well the last guy clearly didn’t know what he was talking about, there’s no way I’m 3 months behind even though I clearly am so why not be a dear and turn my service on.” I make every attempt to fix the problems left by the previous agents, so for those customers, I genuinely do apologize.

But I’m not talking about those customers; I’m talking about these ones…

“Is fine goat. You buy goat. Give me half off now.”

These are what I refer to as bargain hunters and racist or no, most of them are, in fact, our Hindi audience. Let me be up front about this. I’m not saying ALL Hindi customers do this OR that ONLY Hindi customers do this. What I am saying, however, is that mostly they are, in fact, our Hindi customers. Got it? Good. Here’s how the call typically goes.

Me: “Thank you for choosing X Company. My name is Gun Sage. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?”
Mr. Patel: “Yes, I have been a customer of yours for many, many years now (typically less than a year) and I’m paying too much. You need to fix this!”

After reviewing the account, I find that usually they’re paying for both American and Hindi programming. Both of these are double digit expenses, so often their bills get to 100+ on the average. The only real solution to this is to drop programming, but often these guys want “a deal.” Let me explain something. Not everyone gets a deal, and no, it’s not because we don’t like you, you don’t qualify, or because you’re brown color.

“Is best goat you ever saw. You buy goat. I get good discount, yes?”

No, it’s because we don’t do deals. We’re confident in our everyday pricing and I stand by that because it’s competitive with the industry, so a deal is not necessary. Can’t afford it? Downgrade. Simple. If it’s programming you want, you’re going to eat it. And really, it kills me when these people try to bargain because of this very reason. Seriously, you want ME of all people to care about your premium package?

Me, the same person who was unemployed for a whole year, didn’t know how he was even going to make ends meet with two small children, who had to cut back on EVERYTHING, and whose only outlet was videogames and doesn’t really do TV as a result? You’re not just barking up the wrong tree; you’re barking up the wrong forest. The problem I have with these customers is a deal is not necessary, not available, and not feasible, but they persist anyway.

Stranger still, after arguing for about 15 minutes, then they go “okay nevermind” and hang up. Now a number of you are probably thinking they call back, but no. If they did, my repeat stat would suffer, but they don’t call back…at least not immediately or readily within the next week or so. So why do it? Because they’re bargain hunting. They’re not hurt that they CAN’T get a bargain, it’s the thrill of doing it in the first place.

Here’s what I’d love to see: a premium that is assessed every time they call in. Oh, it’ll never happen and could be considered racist in this example, but think about it. A customer calls in on a regular basis for things they could investigate and even change online thinking we’re somehow holding out on them, so they get charged for their stupidity. We’d drop customers, but at least the calls would go down!


Slow down there, old timer! How have we wronged you? Funnily enough, most of the time, these guys don’t really want to cancel. No, in fact, I could rope them into the bargain hunters, but these guys aren’t quite that passive. They think they can bully us into giving them a deal because A) they’re a “long time customer,” B) they genuinely HAVE been wronged but feel that that’s grounds for massive savings and discounts which I feel is dirty and underhanded, or C) they’re a dick.

When someone wants to cancel, and I mean really cancel not just looking for savings, because of something stupid we did, I feel bad. When customers get me, they can be assured they are getting world class customer service. Yes, that’s horrible corporate buzzword bullshit, but it’s no less true. So when I hear about a tech being an asshole, a supervisor hanging up on them, or just in general one of my coworkers being a fuckstick, I genuinely feel bad for the customer.

But again, these aren’t the people I’m talking about. I’m talking about the people that hold this card close to their chest like it’s an ace. So then they throw it down like “BAM, WHAT NOW MOTHERFUCKER.” Meanwhile, that’s good for me. See, all I’m required to do, especially depending on how good of a customer you are, is make one valid save attempt, then get you to our retention department.

That’s right…just one attempt. And if you’re a shitty customer, do you know what that attempt will be? “I’m sorry to hear that you want to cancel, but you should know that X Company remains competitive in their pricing and I guarantee you absolutely will not find a better price with Y Company, especially after their new customer promotions end.” That’s right, it’s not an attempt at all.

I’ll be doing this a lot while saying it, too.

If you’re King Debt, Lord of the Fuckheads, we aren’t bending over backwards for you, nor are you qualified for many of the ACTUAL deals we offer, like free premiums or whatever. In fact, you’re a liability. Sure, we like your money, but everytime you call in, you cost us money. If you call in often and not to pay your bill, we’d rather you go take a flying fuck up a tree.

Now if you’re a GREAT customer, yeah, I’ll offer you some cool shit, but you’re probably not interested anyway. You’ve been down this road before. You’ve heard this song and dance. You know that all you really want is to get to our retention department because that’s where all the goodies lie. Except, you know…you’re not doing yourself any favors. Long time customer or no, eventually that causes you to be blacklisted.

So one day you’re going to call in for something and get a resounding “FUCK YOU.” Well okay, not in so many words, but you get the idea. Then what? See, at that point, we’re calling your bluff. Are you going to follow through? You remember that non-attempt I spouted before the pic? That’s real shit, not just in what we say, but also in truth.

In essence, this is what most customers are.

Some people hop from company to company to get better deals, but they constantly have to contend with early termination fees, new install fees, and much more. Even if they’re given awesome promotions from the get go, there’s always a catch. No amount of hopping can compensate for that and furthermore, it also comes down to laziness.

For example, I have my phone and Internet through WOW. Some people have told me there are better and cheaper services out there, but I don’t give a shit. I don’t want to pay to switch companies, get a tech out here to do a bunch of work, have to get used to a new system, get used to new billing cycles and procedures, and I actually like WOW, so I don’t want to switch even if I could save money.

That’s right…even IF I could save money, I don’t care because I’m fucking lazy. This applies to most customers as well. Some people hop around because all they care about is the monetary aspect, but a lot of older customers, even with all their bean counting, absolutely will not switch because it’s just not something they want to fuck around with. But I think I’ve belabored the point here, so let’s talk about…

“No. You DON’T get me.”

Ahh, the grumpy, sarcastic, shitbag customer. There’s a special circle of hell waiting for this customer after their untimely, but much applauded demise. See, the other two customer types are standard and I can put up with them, but this one gets my goat. And no, I won’t cut your services in half. That aside, this customer makes every attempt to get under your skin so you’ll be just as miserable as they are.

Look, I’m not the most positive individual, but overall I try to keep a positive outlook because it helps me stay in the zone. Think about it like this…are you more likely to purchase something from this individual…

“Did you get to check out Starz last year? I only ask because it’s not something we’re offering at no cost anymore, however, we do have a fantastic deal we’re offering privileged customers right now. For the newest and best of Disney and Mirimax as well as brand new, critically acclaimed series like Boss and Spartacus, we’re offering half off for 6 months. So instead of it being $13 a month, it’s only $6.50! Can I sign that up for you today?”

Or from this individual…

“Hey, while I’ve got you on the line, did you want Starz at half off?”

The difference is subtle, but it’s there. The first person is making a genuine attempt to sell something by promoting the value, while the second person is being blunt and short with you. If I’m not feeling it, I probably won’t even offer at all. Considering I got over $1000 in sales bonuses this last check, that only serves to hurt me. So while some days it’s about just grinning and bearing it, it’s simply more healthy for me to have a positive outlook and therefore being truly genuine.

I got 99 problems, but a water bill ain’t one.

What this customer serves to do is take you down a peg. Often what will happen is after the intro, as stated about 18 paragraphs ago (thanks for the continued read!), they’ll say something snarky like “well I don’t think it’s going to be a PLEASURE.” Okay fine. You’re upset. So I apologize and attempt to move on and I’m met with “shyeah…OKAAAAY.” Well, grumpy customer, now is your time to shine.

Here’s what I would love to say to you when I’m on the phone, but you know I can’t…

“Hey sir, how about you kindly eat a dick and call someone who gives a fuck? I would love to help you, but you don’t want help. What you want is to watch the world burn and for reasons unknown. It’s those reasons I need to know to help you. Sadly, you’re also enough of a prick that I know you’ll continue this dickhead dance until you’re good and ready to ACTUALLY get to the crux of the problem.

But you know, I take issue with this. See, you must know that I’m scored on my call time, so when you call in and act like a fuckhead, you also know that there are A) other people I could be assisting who actually WANT their problem resolved, B) other people I’d rather be talking to because you’re such a dreadful, emo, whiny little bitch, and C) managers potentially ready to breathe down my neck because I’m taking too goddamn long, WHICH WOULDN’T BE HAPPENING IF YOU WOULDN’T ACT LIKE YOUR SWEET 16 JUST GOT CANCELLED, YOU FUCKING SPOILED CRYBABY LITTLE GIRL.”

Goddamn that felt good. And really, that’s all I have to say.


Oh, you thought I was going to talk about ignorant customers who think the phone is their remote or something, weren’t you? Well, I’m sure I will soon as I’m heading into our advanced tech department shortly, but no, ignorance often doesn’t bother me anymore because a LOT of people are ignorant. No no, STUPIDITY bothers me…and trust me, these are, by far, the worst.


Filed under Funny, Who Can Go Suck It

2 responses to “Who Can Go Suck It – Customers

  1. See this is the reason people who call in don’t get the help they need when they fly off the handle. I love this series, man. Thanks for the reminder it went up, I sometimes space on checking all my bookmarks regularly.

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