Every so often I’m subjected to cartoons. Sometimes willingly, other times Clockwork Orange style. Even still, there have been some episodes I know we’ve all wanted from these toons and I’m going to lay out a few ideas I’ve had recently.
Franklin – Death
Narrator: “Franklin could tie his shoes and count by twos…no longer.” We cut to inside Franklin’s house to reveal everyone dead. No explanation. 10 minutes of silence and a single pane. Flies eventually break the silence. End scene.
Go, Diego, Go! – Stingrays
In this episode, Diego tries to feed cookies to a stingray and does a Steve Irwin. But don’t worry; everyone was smiling and a song was made of it. End scene.
Captain N – Spring Cleaning
We cut to a scene with all the good guys just kinda sitting around looking bored. Suddenly, we cut out of the television to Kevin’s mother vacuuming the shit out of the carpet.
Kevin’s Mom: “Where is that boy? I swear to God…these fucking videogames! They’ve got ideas in his head again. He’s been gone for days! Hopefully he’s just palling around with his friends somewhere. Yeah, that’s probably…wait a minute. That lazy bastard…leaving on the videogame like that.”
As his mom powers down the console, Kevin wonders “Will I dream?” A bright red “GAME OVER” flashes to the audience. End scene.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Growing Pains
The episode starts charmingly enough, with Donatello masturbating to the discovery channel. Splinter catches him and demands to know what he’s doing. Donatello’s “research” excuse doesn’t really pan out, so he’s told to go do some additional training as punishment. Later Raphael deals with acne, Leonardo gets razor burn from shaving, and Michelangelo gets high…again.
Splinter changes his depends and masturbates to furry porn. A pretty uneventful episode, really. The villain in this episode is…themselves! SYMBOLISM!! Also, end scene by the way actually.
Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends – Humans
The gang is dicking around outside, like normal, when they suddenly hear rumbling. They all scream and flee indoors as quickly as possible. They see what they refer to as “giant, moving trees,” which are actually humans on a camping trip. When the humans realize there are so many bugs in the wild, they break out the raid. Good times. End scene.
Little Bear – Deforestation
In this episode it starts out seeming to be an obligatory environmentalist episode. Eventually the Bear family meets with the humans. When it’s discovered the animals in the forest can talk, they’re all rounded up for the local zoo. The local zoo becomes a major hit and the animals actually have a pretty good time. They don’t mind at all that their old homes are turned into a Walmart parking lot because, in their words, “that place was fucking lame and there were bugs and shit there anyway.”
The lesson learned is that Warlmart has low, low prices. Episode sponsored by Walmart, by the way. End scene.
Wonder Pets – Dogfighting
At first it seems like this episode will be about planes and stuff, but the audience soon realizes things are slightly different when the Wonder Pets visit Michael Vicks’ house. Eventually the team gets swept up in the action and pitted against each other. They learn that looking out for number one is much more important than shitty ass teamwork. Well, Lenny does at least. And only after he mounts Tuck and Ming Ming’s heads on pikes and parades around in their blood gladiator style shouting “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!”
Toot & Puddle – Saudi Arabia
As pigs, they are seen as infidels. The rest is too horrible and/or awesome to describe, even for this site. End scene.
Bonus: I found this while looking for pics for this article.