Disney is Fucking Evil, Yo

So I’m watching cartoons, which is customary in our household because of the children but also because they’re awesome (or at least used to be), and I came across an epiphany. Now I shouldn’t completely oust Disney alone for this as I’ve seen it in other things as well, but there’s something I don’t quite get and it extends to reaches the likes of which you couldn’t imagine…so here goes.

Same Animal, Different Evolutions

As you watch Disney animated films and sometimes their TV shows, you slowly realize that certain characters don’t make sense. For example, Pluto. See, Pluto is a dog. Okay, fine, right? Dogs don’t stand on two feet, talk, etc., so why would they in a cartoon? Except…both Pete and Goofy are dogs. Now if this wasn’t bad enough in, say, just about anything Mickey Mouse related ever, you also have shows like Goof Troop.

Virtually everyone in Goof Troop is a dog…or furry…I haven’t decided yet. However, Pete’s family…has a family dog. So wait, what happened? Is it like us and monkeys? Or what about retards? Is that a possibility? And as wrong (but hilarious) as that implication is, I can’t help but wonder if there’s an even deeper message here, possibly because I’m being mind controlled by an English teacher somewhere.

Actually, we’ll stick with Goof Troop as it’s the perfect example. Now sure, both families are different and have somewhat different skill sets and clear financial differences, but it goes deeper than that. Chainsaw, Pete’s dog, has no freedom. Much like any pet, the family dog is there to provide entertainment to the family, but most likely because Pete is abusive, the dog is not only a mess but also perpetually angry and violent.

So is Disney implying that everyone’s the same, diversity, blah blah, except for…INDENTURED SERVANTS AKA SLAVES ACTUALLY?! My vote? PROBABLY. Even if that’s not the case, this is something featured in nearly every Disney toon ever and it’s never quite explained. It would actually have been more comical and sensible if humans were the pets, but I guess Disney never thought of that.

Everything Is Sentient

This happens more in the seriously old timey flicks, but it’s still disturbing and worth mentioning all the same. Sometimes it’s hard to watch these flicks because EVERYTHING’S FUCKING MOVING. Buildings, cars, signs…fucking EVERYTHING. Now let’s get the most obvious out of the way…I don’t know about you, but I do NOT want the following scenario:

Toilet: “Top o tha mawnin’, sir! ‘ow goes it?”
Me: “Not now, Flushy, I need to shit.”
Toilet: “Aye, that ya do, sir! That ya-MMPHH MMPHHHH MHH MPPPHH!! …Gulp…ahhhh…”
Me: “…I need more alcohol.”
Bottle of Jack Daniels: “Hallo, sir! Vat ah you up to zis fine day?”
Me: “…”

Of course, it gets worse. I don’t know about you, but I’m a meat eater. So there are two obvious questions. One, how does one cope with cutting up a cow, possibly mid-song, without turning into a completely demented motherfucker? And two…would the steaks talk, too? And don’t think you’d get away from it by eating only vegetables and fruit; you know those would be some chatty motherfuckers, too.

On the same token, if EVERYTHING is sentient and talks, what about internal organs? Or my fucking elbow? Ugh. And I know…you’re thinking I’m over-thinking this and you’re probably right. My question is if everything is given sentience, how do you get past a DAY without going completely batshit and turning into what would effectively be a cannibal?

There’s No Such Thing As Genitalia, Also Babies Are Magic

It’s pretty obvious Disney wanted to be able to make both realistic and not so realistic interpretations of the animals we know and love (to eat), which is another reason both furry and bestiality fetishes are as popular as they are today. I thank them for that, but there’s another issue at hand here. So obviously in Dumbo when the elephants are frolicking around, we don’t want to see a bunch of giant penises and floppy vaginae and loads of shit flying all around.

No, we just want the cute, cute elephants with their cute, cute expressions and cute, cute speech humming us some cute, cute songs. I get that much, except every Disney movie seems to have a different interpretation on how babies work. Now I suspect this is for multiple reasons. For one, we, as parents, don’t want them to tell us or SHOW us elephants fucking.

Call me uptight, but despite every bloody, over the top action sequence my daughter’s ever watched in my videogames and movies, I still want to try to protect her innocence from that…at least until she’s a teenager, hopefully. Another reason is, well…I mean, there’s no genitalia. So usually they try to mask it by skipping the good shit, making it a sort of secret, or they use a fucking stork.

The only other problem with this is, yes, a long time ago, the stork story was a good idea. Most people don’t use it now. In other words, if a kid is told “well, when a man and a woman are ready for a child, that child is placed in the mother’s tummy…eventually, the woman then goes to the hospital and we have a new baby,” now the kid thinks the stork is some kind of jackass who’s just middle manning the process or is a child kidnapper.

Holy Shit Death And Violence

There was a Cracked article that piqued my interest a while back. It’s a good read and I highly recommend it. As a kid, I loved violence, but I never thought of the Disney movies as violent. No, not even The Lion King, which looking back on it now was kinda badass, regardless of what Confused Matthew might think.

Actually, Secret of Nimh was also pretty goddamn brutal at times…ahh, kids’ movies. Now sure, today’s children television is a bunch of sugar coated, save the rain forest, speak Spanish also, everybody wins, share and care bullshit garbage. But there are two episodes, ironically of the same show, that further prove this shit is just wrong. And that show is Go, Diego, Go.

What’s the deal with GDG? They don’t push the Spanish language agenda that hard as it’s supposed to be more of a National Geographic for kids type show, but therein lies a very strange issue. One episode features tree frogs stuck on some kind of a leaf going through rapids very cheerfully smiling and singing and song that consists of little more than “help us, help us…ribbit ribbit.”

So every French song ever. The worst part is, sure, Diego seems concerned, but with as many bright colors and smiling and happy tone and all that shit that there is, a kid would be TOTALLY confused while watching this and possibly socially held back. Think about it. So Bobby falls down and cracks his fucking leg open. Instead of the kids freaking out, they burst into singing.

Even Bobby, who’s in incredible agony, is smiling and bobbing his head back and forth with the music. ACTUALLY NO THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN (though it would be hilarious). Unfortunately, this is what kids watching it would be tricked into believing, therefore creating more shock and awkwardness for them in their future.

Oh, but nevermind that. There was an episode apparently about crocodiles where Diego fed them cookies, because that’s what they eat, you know. MOST of the time the show tries to be accurate and show how animals live, eat, etc. In this case, however, my daughter honestly believed…they ate fucking cookies. So when my wife was watching National Geographic later and a crocodile absolutely pwned a bird and started tearing it apart, here are the things my daughter wanted to know and in this specific order…

“Mommy, why did the crocodile do that?”

“Mommy, why isn’t he eating cookies? Crocodiles don’t eat birds!”

“Mommy, did that mama bird have any baby birds in her nest?”

So not only was my wife ruined trying to explain all this, but the show actually contradicted itself because in previous episodes you see mama birds provided worms and shit for their babies…so now she was concerned about the babies and only just then experiencing a lighter side of the actual wild. Un-fucking-believable. And again, Diego isn’t Disney, but often the kiddie gloves are put on for shit like this when dealing with the wild in Disney movies.

For example, they don’t sugarcoat the idea of eating elk and such in The Lion King, but do they ever actually…do it? No, but hyenas are seen gnawing on bones…isn’t that enough? Look, I admit it might be a bit graphic to see lions eating meat, but at least show them taking down an elk or two. Something. Also notice that anything in Disney flicks that are considered to be dinner are never cute, by the way, so perhaps that’s the law of the land in Disney flicks.

Conclusion

What’s done is done. The Disney movies really are classics, so I don’t expect them to be changed or modified. However, I can’t help but think that the “lessons” that are being taught from modern Disney stuff is just…wrong. For fuck’s sake, in the trailer for Toy Story 3 they have a dinosaur sexting on the Internet. Sheesh.

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