Who Can Go Suck It – Seagull Hippies

This is going to take a bit of explanation, but here goes. I live near the Great Southern Shopping Center in Ohio, which is on High Street in a fairly rough area, though I wouldn’t say it was necessarily that “tough,” just kinda ghetto. Over the past 7 years or so, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend: there have been more and more seagulls around getting run over, gathering in flocks, shitting on everything, picking through trash, and so on.

I would normally be indifferent to seagulls, but they’ve been increasing rapidly and with the increase means that they have been getting bolder about exactly what they will do to the point that you can barely drive and walk through them. It really is like a fucking zoo at times. The major problem here is the fact that they were initially attracted by the litter, which isn’t something that’s going to go away that easily, so it’s a sign of disgust that represents itself in…the form of seagulls.

So in a way, I look at them as flying roaches. Again, it’s not the seagulls fault; they were attracted to something that’s a man-made problem. Of course, the seagulls wouldn’t THEN be part of the problem were it not for what I like to call “seagull hippies.” Maybe you’ve seen these idiots. When I first encountered this phenomena, I happened to notice that there was a parked car WAAAAAAY out in the parking lot that was being swarmed by seagulls.

Upon closer inspection, I found a couple of parents allowing their kids to throw bread crumbs and shit to the seagulls to feed them. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? Do you not understand why they’re here in the first place? Do you not understand that even now in the butt ass of winter in Ohio when it’s freezing that they’re refusing to migrate and gathering in droves because you retards are feeding them?

They’re going to DIE, which normally I wouldn’t mind, but i mean that they’re going to die in a massive, foul, stanky way that’s going to create a huge mess in the parking lot for employees and customers alike. And of course, if you drive through these birds whilst honking your horn because, hey, they really shouldn’t be there in mass droves in the first place, these assholes yell at you like YOU’RE the bad guy!

Look man, if I happen to annihilate one or two of these buzzards while I’m trying to do what the parking lot was meant for, GOOD. These assholes were attracted by trash, now they’re staying because some asshole thinks he’s going to save the rainforest by feeding a flock of skyshitters. Are you fucking kidding me?

And are the local businesses doing anything about this? Absolutely not. What can they do, really? It’s debatable exactly who owns the parking lot in this area, so naturally the businesses are going to either shift blame or ignore the problem entirely. And the sad fact is not the fact that they have the right to do so, but the fact that this is a problem for both them AND the consumer that they’re refusing to do anything about.

But on the topic of “what can they do,” I have a few simple solutions. For starters, that parking lot has been in need of redesign for a while. Now, the likelihood that businesses will pull together to do so is low, but hear me out. If a bunch of construction shit starts getting moved in, the buzzards will be displaced because they’re not going to want to deal with them, the fumes might be too much for them, and redesigning the lot could mean attracting new businesses which are going to take up more lot space.

Second, they could easily discourage people feeding these fucking assholes by running off the hippies. They could go passive by putting up signs saying not to do it or go full throttle and actually send over security to run them off. “We’re not hurting anybody, man!” But you are adding to the bird population, which not only doesn’t help the situation but creates all sorts of new problems.

These birds aren’t meant to be this far out and again, were only attracted by the trash. I’m absolutely serious about them dying. YOU are going to cause them to die because YOU are continuing to feed them, thus encouraging them to stay, even in shitty ass weather…that will kill them, dipshit. At this point, I can’t tell if this was your plan all along and if it was, normally I’d give you a high five, but then we’d still have the problem of the massive mess it’s going to make.

At the end of the day, I’m honestly not sure what to do as a consumer at this location. Do I complain to the employees knowing that it will probably fall on deaf ears and be given limp-wristed responses such as “nothing we can do about it” in hopes that someone will actually take responsibility and do something correct for the customers by attempting to get rid of them?

Do I engage the assholes feeding the birds and insist they stop, citing pretty much what I’ve already stated here, hoping that it doesn’t lead to outright ignoring me, indifference, or something equally stupid like “yeah, well, that’s like, just your opinion, man?” At this point, it feels like there is no answer to this, but it’s a problem all the same and I really wish I could just string these idiots up by their testicles and cover them in bread crumbs so they can get picked to death by the buzzards they love.


Filed under Funny, Who Can Go Suck It

2 responses to “Who Can Go Suck It – Seagull Hippies

  1. ian

    Fuck those Hippies. I hate these asshole seagulls

  2. You are the buzzard that multiplies and replaces beauty with junk and ghetto.. STOP BREEDING YOURSELF SEAGULLS..

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