Fuck Geese

When I did my article about seagulls, I was mostly angry at the people, not the seagulls. Sure, the seagulls aren’t much better, but they’re only there because of idiots. I’m still not happy with people regarding geese (specifically Canadian geese), but in this instance, it’s really more about the goddamn birds than it is about the people.

Back in college, we had a roommate from New York. On his way home from orientation, he was walking and got chased by a goose. He said he was “scared for his life” and “I didn’t know how aggressive those things were!” I laughed in his face for 5 minutes straight, not understanding in the slightest what the hell he was scared about.

Fast forward to just a couple of years ago and I’m talking a walk between workouts. There are a bunch of Canadian geese in the road I normally walk, so I’m trying to avoid them. They start hissing at me, so I give them a look like “really.” They stop, but continue to glare at me as I walk by. There have been a couple of times where they’ve attempted to follow me, but because I haven’t reciprocated, they’ve mostly just left me alone.

This is the face of a motherfucker that wants slapped

I made a comment to my wife previously about how if they came at me, I’d punch them so hard their beaks would fly one way and their scrawny heads the other. “Well you know, they’re a protected species…you can’t really do that.” Here’s where I take issue with that. I’m not saying there aren’t endangered species or protected species or whatever that AREN’T aggressive, but I AM saying that if these fuckers are “protected,” shouldn’t they be…protected?

Here’s what I mean. Usually endangered species are closely watched, followed up on, sometimes even brought to captivity so they can hopefully encourage further growth within the species. So this isn’t done with Canadian geese? And maybe I’m just seeing the worst of it, but most of the time when I come across these fuckers there are SO MANY of them, I think yeah they could stand to lose a few dozen today.

And don’t think I’m a horrible person. You know you’ve thought about it, too. Maybe it’s not with geese, but yes, you’ve thought about it with some animal or even a certain type of person. What annoys me the most about geese is the fact that they’re not intimidating in the least, but, much like a chihuahua, they think they have to strut their shit around.

“I’m going to grow up to be a real asshole, just like Daddy!”

See, the problem is I’m not allowed to touch them, but they’re allowed to act like dickheads. Nah, fuck that. I’m 100% serious, if one comes at me, even if I’ve diverted my path, it’s going to end up very, very dead. Would it stop the others? Probably not. What if it’s a mother or father or whatever? Then why the fuck are you charging something that can kill you dead?

Oh, because you feel threatened? Because your kids are close and I betta just BACK DA FUCK UP? And I’m supposed to know that how? Because you’re charging me? What, even AFTER I move in a different direction? You don’t own the road, fuck off. That’s the other thing. Seagulls are at least smart enough to go oh hey, this bag of shit is pretty tasty, but I don’t want to get run the fuck over, so I’mma move for this car coming right at me.

Geese? Eh, not so much. I’ve seen traffic stopped…STOPPED…because of a line of geese crossing the road. Wha…are you kidding me? I almost got stopped like that once. I laid on the horn and swerved around them. The geese acted like I blew through a civilian crosswalk. And yes, I gave the birds the bird.

These guys have the right idea

Look, the bottom line is nature can be a bitch, but it doesn’t have to be. Geese are everywhere and there’s really no getting away from them. I don’t make it my business to intrude upon their shit and get in their business, but wouldn’t they, I don’t know, STAY THE FUCK AWAY if we actually grew some balls and didn’t tolerate their bullshit anymore? Just sayin’.


Filed under Funny

2 responses to “Fuck Geese

  1. When I originally commented I seem to have clicked the -Notify me
    when new comments are added- checkbox and now whenever a comment
    is added I receive 4 emails with the exact same comment.

    There has to be a means you can remove me
    from that service? Many thanks!

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