Why The Ashley Madison Controversy Makes Me Smile

Ashley Madison…life’s short, have an affair! Wow, what an incredible concept. I mean, who else would’ve thought to create a site to date other people locally, long distance, or otherwise? Oh, but this is a site that SPECIALIZES in affairs…got it! Yeah, except they aren’t the first, nor will they be the last. The only reason this got so much press is they had the gall to actually ADVERTISE this fact.

I can’t begin to tell you how many times I would see commercials for this site, even in the middle of the day. Sure, we can all agree to seeing some naughty ass commercials late night, but just plain whenever in the middle of the day? That’s ballsy. But the website made a few crucial mistakes. Firstly, they thought they were untouchable.

Advertising like that whenever and wherever is a clear challenge to would be moral high ground internet vigilantes. Second, they lied. Again and again. Oh no, a site that encourages infidelity and is overly prideful is ALSO lying to me?! Perish the thought! The fact that so many people actually signed up shows just how fucking stupid humanity has become, not because they want an affair (although that’s pretty stupid too), but because of all the surrounding factors.

Let’s put it this way. Let’s say you want an affair. No, it doesn’t always play out like that. It’s not like you woke up one morning and went “today I’mma put my dick in some random woman’s vadge.” I mean, I don’t know, maybe…but I doubt it. More than likely there were a lot of things that led up to that point or were just weak…or you were taken advantage of, but that’s more than likely not how the courts will see it.

Anyway, you get what I’m saying. Nothing is as simple as all that. Sometimes you’re just a terrible person and not marriage material in the first place. BUT AGAIN…there is always a reason. So you’re sitting there watching the game or whatever and this commercial pops up. Now, come on. You’re telling me that AS SOON as you saw that concept you went right out and signed up?

Are you fucking stupid? And yet, that is more or less what happened with millions of men (and probably a few thousand women, if that). We’re going to play devil’s advocate here for a second despite me probably getting whacked with a shoe by my wife for it. Let’s say I wanted an affair. Why would I go to a website that has BEEN PROMINENTLY DISPLAYED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY?

So that’s dumbass mistake number one. Second, clearly most of these men did not read the terms and conditions. To be fair, many people don’t, but in THIS CASE you would want to read over the details like a hawk because you want to suffer absolutely zero repercussions, am I right? To be fair, many probably did, understood the details, signed up, then when they went to delete their account, it was the people who ran the website that fucked up…so I can’t entirely get upset with the users for that fuck up.

But finally, there are LOTS of sites out there that can satisfy this. In many cases they’re just simple dating sites. Used to be back in the day you could sweet talk just about anyone on yahoo chat or whatever into doing all kinds of dirty stuff. Hell, that’s how I got my last girlfriend before I met my wife locally. Now no, she wasn’t some slutty girl or whatever; she was actually a really nice girl, but she couldn’t find anyone locally, so there you go.

As silly as it was, I miss it.

Point is there are OPTIONS…and these options are many and varied. Hell, you don’t even have to go online. “But Gun Sage, I’m an aspiring professional with a nuclear family and a perfect life making 6 figures. What am I supposed to do?” First off, you’re a grade A prick. I don’t always take the moral high ground, but if you’ve got all that going for you, I don’t see why you’d want an affair.

But again, you’re saying you want one…okay, fine. So you’re saying you don’t go out with the guys after work? “No, I like to get home early and spend time with the kids.” Really, so it’s just the wife you don’t like? “Well, I mean…no, but…I just…” This is the main reason I get annoyed. You see so many memes saying stuff like “he won’t let me check his phone.”

Hey ladies, if your man won’t let you check his phone, it’s because A) you like to start drama, B) he’s a secret agent, or C) he’s doing something on the side. Protip: it’s probably not B. If you’re the kind of girl that will make an argument out of NOTHING, then it’s A, but it will eventually be C. I mean, hopefully he’ll be gentleman enough to tell you you’re annoying and break it off, but more than likely not because you have a vice grip on him because you think you NEED to because the last 10 men did the same thing…not realizing you may be a factor in this.

“But why won’t my man let me check his internet history?” Okay, that’s different. This sounds hypocritical, but here’s why. Your man probably doesn’t look at porn on his phone. I’m not saying definitely, but yeah. I mean, I don’t know, he might look at porn anytime he’s in the bathroom. It’s possible. But more than likely he uses his phone for calling people, texting people, playing Angry Birds, updating social media, and whatever.

But his computer? Damn son. Ladies, just a heads up…don’t use the same chair he uses while he’s on the computer. Your ass will stick to it…and that’s all I’ll say about that. In any case, men aren’t embarrassed that they look at porn. It’s WHAT the porn is that they might be embarrassed about. “Oh my man only looks at straight porn and that’s it!” Oh, you are adorable! *tussles hair*

I freely admit I look at some FUCKED UP porn. And no, I’m not going to explain any further than that because I will break the fucking internet. But really, most guys are not going to admit this nor are they going to go into detail about it. Some guys even do “Facestalking” where they add a coworker and jerk it to their pictures. That’s actually the perfect cover because really all you’re going to have in your internet history is Facebook, so whatever.

But this also comes back to options. If there are so many options for masturbation and all kinds of other dirty stuff, why have an affair? Maybe I just don’t get it and that’s probably a good thing. Even still, the reason this makes me smile in regards to Ashley Madison is scumbags are getting exposed, a company that made a retarded amount of money off it is getting cast in the public eye and getting sued, and it’s not just that they’re getting sued for destroyed reputations, but by them LYING about the deletion process.

They also didn’t take the hackers’ threats seriously, so that’s bad on them anyway. They confirmed that the hackers had stolen lots of data that, while encrypted, did contain lists of names and credit card information. In fact, if I didn’t know any better, this could have been a massive ruse of vigilantism. Don’t believe me? Let’s think about this for a sec.

Above: The real owner of Ashley Madison?

Ashley Madison promotes itself as a site of infidelity on national television. Morons that don’t know any better sign up and start paying them. Literally THE MINUTE these people signed up, they were trapped. But it didn’t end there. Ashley Madison offered a way to delete all traces of them being there at a premium price. That as is is already entrapment.

And then to not even do so? AND to have a “hacker group” threaten to expose their data and they take such a casual stance on it? Yes, I’m suggesting this entire thing could have been rigged from the very beginning like a roach motel for the dregs of society. In fact, I would openly applaud their efforts if that really was the case.

Now we keep seeing news articles saying this guy or that guy or whoever killed themselves or were ruined or whatever because of the data leak. And you know what I say? Good. I don’t care how dark that came across because I literally do not care. You should never have trusted a site like that, let alone entered it willingly. That’s bad on you as a person and you deserve the shame you get.

There are literally so many ridiculous things surrounding all of this that it’s both hilarious and sad at the same time. I actually do not feel bad for anyone involved in this to any extent.

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Filed under Funny, Who Can Go Suck It

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